Marriage/Relationship Counselling with Mark

Getting Started

It is a big step to put your hand up and say that you think your relationship might be in trouble and you need some support. If you are at that point then good on you! well done! but the most important steps are still ahead. If you have found someone ready to see you, you have researched the fees (mine are on my website… somewhere) and you have checked your calendar, you now need to make an appointment and show up. That can be hard if anyone gets a bit reluctant or nervous… which can happen for various reasons. 

Maybe one partner is hesitant and latches onto excuses or actually lifts their game a bit (for a while) in an attempt to convince the other partner that counselling isn’t needed. Maybe one or both partners decide that now is just ‘a bad time’: ‘we’re too busy at the moment’, ‘work is really hectic right now’, ‘what do we do about the kids?’, ‘we’re saving for something special’, ‘I’m too run down... it’s too hot... it’s too cold... it’s raining out, the stars are not aligned…’ This might all sound a bit silly but we can all be expert procrastinators when faced with something challenging, including me. 

The difference here is the level of importance of the issue. If you found a lump in your breast, or a changing mole on your skin, blood in your feces or were struggling to urinate, we all know that they are important signs and the time to make an appointment to see your GP is yesterday not once you’re ‘not so busy’. Now is the time to look after your physical health before the doctor is telling you that you have a terminal illness. Now is the time to save your relationship. Make the appointment now and go. Whatever happens with your marriage, whether things fall apart or get better, the fact is this relationship and/or it’s effects are going to stay with you for a very long time. It’s not something to be ignored or pushed aside, it’s important, treat it as high priority.

I would also suggest that if you are ready for some support but your partner isn’t, don’t wait, come along by yourself. That is at least getting a process started and maybe you will be able to sort through your own thoughts or do a few things that help a bit. Perhaps once you have had a really interesting and engaging time and told your partner all about it, he or she won’t be able to resist! they will want to come along and experience it for themselves!

Another reason why people can be reluctant to go to counselling is they are embarrassed. I will say more on environment in a moment but my counselling room is a place where every person and every issue is welcome, it is a place of peace, respect and acceptance so we will quickly get past initial awkwardness. Moreover, the same as it is better to deal with the embarrassment of a doctor prodding you uncomfortably before another specialist is telling you how many months are left in your life, it is better to go through the perceived but unnecessary private embarrassment of going to counselling than to come home one evening to find a note in an empty house saying ‘I can’t do this anymore’ or ‘I’ve found someone else’ and convince yourself that it is totally unfair, you didn’t see it coming and you’ve been betrayed. If you are reading this, you can see it coming, so act now.

People may also be fearful of going to counselling and getting told off, criticised or blamed for everything. That is not how I work. If you have experienced counselling where you get lectured, told what you have to do or just have it out in a supposed truth session that leaves people broken and devastated, I am very sorry but that is not what you will experience in any of my sessions. I will be working to treat you in a way that means you will want to come back to work on things, not to say to your partner ‘there’s no way I’m going back there again!’

My approach is to establish an environment where there is reflection and honesty but not criticism, blaming, hostility or vitriol. I don’t take anybody’s side, I am on the side of the relationship and will do everything I can to enhance its healthiness. I am in the business of helping people draw closer together, not in dividing people or pushing them further apart. We will build an environment that is safe and respectful, where each person is listened to, valued, encouraged and treated with unconditional positive regard. I will certainly give a few suggestions and some guidance but we will be working on a plan that is shared, workable and achievable. 

Working in counselling with me may be challenging, may be hard at times and may even be confronting but it will also be energising, positive and rewarding. I can’t guarantee the final results because that depends on each of us in the process, I can only control and guarantee my actions and my efforts. However, if each person engages in the process in a positive way, I can guarantee things will get at least a bit better, maybe a lot better and then hopefully stay better. 

That’s the goal and I would be greatly honoured to work with you, so let’s get started!

Mark Burnard