Acting – Connecting – Being

Feeling unhappy or out of balance.?  Here’s a place to start understanding part of the reason why. Above is a pretty simple diagram for a pretty simple idea but I do find when I explain it, it is a new way of looking at things for most clients.

It just arranges 3 ways we operate in a type of hierarchy and I work from top to bottom when explaining it.

At the top level we are always ‘doing’ something. It might be something obvious and active like talking, playing, working, driving etc. It might be something less active or more internal like listening, sleeping, thinking, considering. But, as William Glasser would point out, from birth until death we are always ‘behaving’ in some way. This level is at the top as it is the most visible and often the way we define ourselves and others... ‘what do you do?’ - I’m a teacher, doctor, student, sales assistant, waiter... etc... or ‘what are you doing’ – working, studying, relaxing...etc.

But below this is another level that I label ‘Connecting’. Not always, but most often, while we are ‘acting’, we are also ‘connecting’, that is, connecting with others. As we communicate, cooperate, argue, fight, disagree, share, hang-out and more... we relate to others and we form connections. Or... we form disconnections. If we use our connecting behaviours of listening, accepting, supporting, encouraging, negotiating, trusting and respecting we build healthy and needs satisfying relationships and we draw people closer to us. If we use complaining, criticising, blaming, nagging, threatening, punishing and bribing, then we most often damage relationships, push people away and disconnect. We are often not conscious or organised in how we do this, often we need to learn skills and behaviours that help us connect, but in almost every aspect of our ‘acting’, underneath, there is also a way we are ‘connecting’ (or disconnecting).

However, though many people are not conscious of the way they connect or disconnect with others, even fewer are conscious that there is another level even further below this. I call it ‘Being’ because it is in this level that we find our true self. Here is the bedrock of who we are. It contains our values, our identity, our ‘self’.

There are a couple of points I would like to make in application of these concepts. The first is that when people see me and are in crisis or in some internal pain, it is often because their values, connecting behaviours and actions are out of alignment. Sure, they may identify pain as coming from external events or pressures but in responding to the external they are often lacking the relational skills to manage the situation or finding that they are not acting in accordance with how they really want to live (which is what Carl Rogers would call 'congruence'). They may want to get on with their partner and be supportive but instead find themselves arguing and fighting over the smallest of issues. They may love their family but find they have developed a different set of values to them as they have grown up. They may effectively be living a lie by hiding their true identity from the world, not being their authentic self. Sometimes we find that though we say we believe in integrity, honesty and non-violence, we actually find ourselves acting very differently, and feeling very uncomfortable about it. 

Something important to understand is that alignment or congruence doesn’t just happen. We are often advised to ‘just be yourself’ but do we know who that really is? And even when we do, do we find that being ourselves is actually working and helping us meet our needs and be happy? Alignment and congruence takes work. That work may involve therapy, it may mean talking to friends, it may be taking a course, it may be reading, it maybe observing others it may be prayer or meditation. However it will also take reflection, self-evaluation and learning new behaviours and skills. 

Change at either of the top 2 levels needs to be driven from the layer below and especially from the Being level. We may want to change the way we parent but it’s not as simple as just ‘Acting’ differently. We will need to learn new communication and relationship skills to build more effective ways of connecting with our kids and probably our partner as well. But, we will also need to change our values and our identity as a parent in order to really believe in what we are doing and really value the changes we want to make.

If you are not sure how to start, trying asking yourself what you really want, what you value and how different you really want life to be and why. Also have a look at where you may be disconnecting from others and try using connecting behaviours. This can be hard, but keep at it, it won’t make things worse and eventually, with practice and persistence, things may start to get better, maybe even a whole lot better. Avoid the temptation to blame circumstances and others. You may be partly right but it won’t help as the only person you can control is yourself, so that is where to begin.

If you want some support, give me a call and we can arrange a time to talk more.

Mark Burnard