Mark's Deep Speak

Quality Relationships - Three Foundations

Thu, 20 Mar 2025 05:38:37 GMT

Three Foundations

1. Be Proactive

Perhaps the most famous personal improvement book of all time is Stephen Covey’s, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (1989). The first of his habits is ‘Be Proactive’. Being proactive is taking responsibility for finding a solution or achieving a goal, taking the initiative and trying to make something happen. It is the opposite of sitting back and just hoping things will get better or blaming circumstances and others for a current difficult situation. It doesn’t guarantee an ideal or favourable outcome, but it does give us more of a chance of that happening through at least feeling like we are doing something positive.

If you have organised an appointment (and turned up) for relationship counselling then you have taken the first step in being proactive regarding trying to improve your relationship. Good work! Throughout the counselling process, we will be attempting to find other ways, big and small, you can be ‘proactive’ in strengthening your relationship.

2. The 3 “Mutuals”

A very wise colleague once shared with me the way she saw a quality relationship as being characterised by three factors - mutual attraction, mutual respect and mutual benefit. Everyone is after benefit of course, they want their relationship to satisfy many needs like love and belonging, safety, warmth, intimacy etc. However, this needs to be experienced by both parties in a couples relationship. Couples are generally really good at the ‘mutual attraction’ part at the beginning. This is what gets us together, often with excitement, fun and fireworks. But this doesn’t sustain a relationship, it can wax and wane (mostly wane) over time with challenges, unexpected difficulties and plain weariness.

However, where relationships generally run into real problems is with the mutual respect part. It’s usually ok at the start when mutual attraction is thriving and everything seems perfect, but then life happens and financial pressures, work demands, family complexities and other life stresses start to overwhelm us and fights, yelling, arguments, criticising, stonewalling, walking off, disengaging, addictive and self-destructive behaviours, nagging, threatening and punishing can take over. These disconnecting and disrespectful behaviours kill relationships.

3. Choosing Connection

To rebuild respect and an intimacy that truly sustains a relationship, we need to learn to use connecting behaviours like listening, supporting, encouraging, trusting, negotiating and accepting. This can be hard, but this is the only way of improving a relationship and being happier. It doesn’t mean we approve of everything our partner does, it doesn’t mean we agree with everything they say but if we can learn to manage these issues in a more respectful way, we might, just might, be able to build or rebuild, the foundation of a truly loving, intimate and mutually needs fulfilling relationship.

These 3 ‘foundations’ are just a starting point, so contact me for an appointment and we can go into each one in more detail and build a more solid framework.

Acting, Connecting, Being

59c122bb-ca12-4777-b68c-bde7b4c97a7b — Tue, 14 Jun 2022 06:53:34 GMT

The discomfort of being 'out of alignment'.

Acting – Connecting – Being

Feeling unhappy or out of balance.? Here’s a place to start understanding part of the reason why. Above is a pretty simple diagram for a pretty simple idea but I do find when I explain it, it is a new way of looking at things for most clients.

It just arranges 3 ways we operate in a type of hierarchy and I work from top to bottom when explaining it.

At the top level we are always ‘doing’ something. It might be something obvious and active like talking, playing, working, driving etc. It might be something less active or more internal like listening, sleeping, thinking, considering. But, as William Glasser would point out, from birth until death we are always ‘behaving’ in some way. This level is at the top as it is the most visible and often the way we define ourselves and others... ‘what do you do?’ - I’m a teacher, doctor, student, sales assistant, waiter... etc... or ‘what are you doing’ – working, studying, relaxing...etc.

But below this is another level that I label ‘Connecting’. Not always, but most often, while we are ‘acting’, we are also ‘connecting’, that is, connecting with others. As we communicate, cooperate, argue, fight, disagree, share, hang-out and more... we relate to others and we form connections. Or... we form disconnections. If we use our connecting behaviours of listening, accepting, supporting, encouraging, negotiating, trusting and respecting we build healthy and needs satisfying relationships and we draw people closer to us. If we use complaining, criticising, blaming, nagging, threatening, punishing and bribing, then we most often damage relationships, push people away and disconnect. We are often not conscious or organised in how we do this, often we need to learn skills and behaviours that help us connect, but in almost every aspect of our ‘acting’, underneath, there is also a way we are ‘connecting’ (or disconnecting).

However, though many people are not conscious of the way they connect or disconnect with others, even fewer are conscious that there is another level even further below this. I call it ‘Being’ because it is in this level that we find our true self. Here is the bedrock of who we are. It contains our values, our identity, our ‘self’.

There are a couple of points I would like to make in application of these concepts. The first is that when people see me and are in crisis or in some internal pain, it is often because their values, connecting behaviours and actions are out of alignment. Sure, they may identify pain as coming from external events or pressures but in responding to the external they are often lacking the relational skills to manage the situation or finding that they are not acting in accordance with how they really want to live (which is what Carl Rogers would call 'congruence'). They may want to get on with their partner and be supportive but instead find themselves arguing and fighting over the smallest of issues. They may love their family but find they have developed a different set of values to them as they have grown up. They may effectively be living a lie by hiding their true identity from the world, not being their authentic self. Sometimes we find that though we say we believe in integrity, honesty and non-violence, we actually find ourselves acting very differently, and feeling very uncomfortable about it.

Something important to understand is that alignment or congruence doesn’t just happen. We are often advised to ‘just be yourself’ but do we know who that really is? And even when we do, do we find that being ourselves is actually working and helping us meet our needs and be happy? Alignment and congruence takes work. That work may involve therapy, it may mean talking to friends, it may be taking a course, it may be reading, it maybe observing others it may be prayer or meditation. However it will also take reflection, self-evaluation and learning new behaviours and skills.

Change at either of the top 2 levels needs to be driven from the layer below and especially from the Being level. We may want to change the way we parent but it’s not as simple as just ‘Acting’ differently. We will need to learn new communication and relationship skills to build more effective ways of connecting with our kids and probably our partner as well. But, we will also need to change our values and our identity as a parent in order to really believe in what we are doing and really value the changes we want to make.

If you are not sure how to start, trying asking yourself what you really want, what you value and how different you really want life to be and why. Also have a look at where you may be disconnecting from others and try using connecting behaviours. This can be hard, but keep at it, it won’t make things worse and eventually, with practice and persistence, things may start to get better, maybe even a whole lot better. Avoid the temptation to blame circumstances and others. You may be partly right but it won’t help as the only person you can control is yourself, so that is where to begin.

If you want some support, give me a call and we can arrange a time to talk more.

Mark Burnard

Marriage and Relationship Counselling

59c122bb-ca12-4777-b68c-bde7b4c97a7b — Tue, 14 Jun 2022 05:08:19 GMT

It's time to talk.

Marriage/Relationship Counselling with Mark

Getting Started

It is a big step to put your hand up and say that you think your relationship might be in trouble and you need some support. If you are at that point then good on you! well done! but the most important steps are still ahead. If you have found someone ready to see you, you have researched the fees (mine are on my website… somewhere) and you have checked your calendar, you now need to make an appointment and show up. That can be hard if anyone gets a bit reluctant or nervous… which can happen for various reasons.

Maybe one partner is hesitant and latches onto excuses or actually lifts their game a bit (for a while) in an attempt to convince the other partner that counselling isn’t needed. Maybe one or both partners decide that now is just ‘a bad time’: ‘we’re too busy at the moment’, ‘work is really hectic right now’, ‘what do we do about the kids?’, ‘we’re saving for something special’, ‘I’m too run down... it’s too hot... it’s too cold... it’s raining out, the stars are not aligned…’ This might all sound a bit silly but we can all be expert procrastinators when faced with something challenging, including me.

The difference here is the level of importance of the issue. If you found a lump in your breast, or a changing mole on your skin, blood in your feces or were struggling to urinate, we all know that they are important signs and the time to make an appointment to see your GP is yesterday not once you’re ‘not so busy’. Now is the time to look after your physical health before the doctor is telling you that you have a terminal illness. Now is the time to save your relationship. Make the appointment now and go. Whatever happens with your marriage, whether things fall apart or get better, the fact is this relationship and/or it’s effects are going to stay with you for a very long time. It’s not something to be ignored or pushed aside, it’s important, treat it as high priority.

I would also suggest that if you are ready for some support but your partner isn’t, don’t wait, come along by yourself. That is at least getting a process started and maybe you will be able to sort through your own thoughts or do a few things that help a bit. Perhaps once you have had a really interesting and engaging time and told your partner all about it, he or she won’t be able to resist! they will want to come along and experience it for themselves!

Another reason why people can be reluctant to go to counselling is they are embarrassed. I will say more on environment in a moment but my counselling room is a place where every person and every issue is welcome, it is a place of peace, respect and acceptance so we will quickly get past initial awkwardness. Moreover, the same as it is better to deal with the embarrassment of a doctor prodding you uncomfortably before another specialist is telling you how many months are left in your life, it is better to go through the perceived but unnecessary private embarrassment of going to counselling than to come home one evening to find a note in an empty house saying ‘I can’t do this anymore’ or ‘I’ve found someone else’ and convince yourself that it is totally unfair, you didn’t see it coming and you’ve been betrayed. If you are reading this, you can see it coming, so act now.

People may also be fearful of going to counselling and getting told off, criticised or blamed for everything. That is not how I work. If you have experienced counselling where you get lectured, told what you have to do or just have it out in a supposed truth session that leaves people broken and devastated, I am very sorry but that is not what you will experience in any of my sessions. I will be working to treat you in a way that means you will want to come back to work on things, not to say to your partner ‘there’s no way I’m going back there again!’

My approach is to establish an environment where there is reflection and honesty but not criticism, blaming, hostility or vitriol. I don’t take anybody’s side, I am on the side of the relationship and will do everything I can to enhance its healthiness. I am in the business of helping people draw closer together, not in dividing people or pushing them further apart. We will build an environment that is safe and respectful, where each person is listened to, valued, encouraged and treated with unconditional positive regard. I will certainly give a few suggestions and some guidance but we will be working on a plan that is shared, workable and achievable.

Working in counselling with me may be challenging, may be hard at times and may even be confronting but it will also be energising, positive and rewarding. I can’t guarantee the final results because that depends on each of us in the process, I can only control and guarantee my actions and my efforts. However, if each person engages in the process in a positive way, I can guarantee things will get at least a bit better, maybe a lot better and then hopefully stay better.

That’s the goal and I would be greatly honoured to work with you, so let’s get started!

Mark Burnard

depressing and Depression - Is there a difference?

Fri, 14 Jan 2022 10:27:17 GMT

Is there a 'purpose' to depressing?

I n this article I am distinguishing between depressing as a behaviour and Depression as a long term condition. They are both associated with painful feelings that are sometimes incredibly strong, are very debilitating and last for various amounts of time but there are important differences.

I am using the ‘ing’ version of the word as William Glasser and Albert Ellis would, to indicate a behaviour that we carry out with a purpose though we are probably not conscious of this at the time. I am also going to contend that depressing, a behaviour, as distinct from Depression, a disorder or condition, is not necessarily a bad thing…! You might think that’s crazy talk because depressing is really painful and horrible. I agree, but like all the behaviours and feelings we have, there is a useful purpose to it. If we put our hand on something really hot it hurts because we are doing damage and we immediately retract our hand - that’s a good thing. In the same way, it is actually a good thing that when we feel the pain of depressing we respond to the signal and react quickly to protect ourselves.

When we depress we usually withdraw from people and situations, our feeling is pushing us to do that as it is trying to protect us from doing anything else that might hurt us. When we withdraw we shut down as our mind spends all our available energy on trying to process our problems. Whatever has happened we need to think through and process it, we can’t afford to be distracted by other issues in our life because this is something major requiring all our energy. Also, when we withdraw, other people notice this and see something is up, in this way depressing helps us call for help even if we don’t have the strength to say anything or even put our hand up. In all these ways, the short term painful behaviour of depressing is doing a good job of protecting us and helping us process what has happened to us.

Here is an example. I am going to use a case of a heterosexual young male because it helps illustrate a couple of important points about this type of behaviour. Let’s look at the example of a 25 year old young man who lives in a small house he has been renting with his girlfriend. However, it’s all gone bad and she has dumped him and gone back to live with her parents and to try her luck with a new beau.

This young man is in real pain and goes into depressing. He goes to his room and gets into bed, and is really upset. A couple of friends hear about what has happened, he is not responding to texts or calls so they come round to visit. The young man summons up all his energy to let them in, he flops on the lounge and blurts out his story.

At this point, depressing is working well. He is too embarrassed and upset to do anything stupid like go and ask another girl out straight away and run the risk of humiliating himself even further. He is also too down to get angry and lash out impulsively at his friends, blaming them for everything going wrong and so wreck the relationship with the very people he needs to help him through. Most importantly, in depressing, he is not in a position to be violent to others or himself. He is weak and withdrawn, physically and emotionally, to the point where eventually all he might want to do is sleep, a good, safe activity that will help his mind recover a little. If depressing wasn’t in his behaviour toolbox, instead he might go straight to angering and raging. He might go out and get into a fight or he might go home and grab a gun, go to his now ex-girlfriend’s house and murder her in a fit of rage and maybe even kill her parents or anyone else there as well. In our case this hasn’t happened and his behaviour system has done a good job in protecting him and others. It could be worse, it could be a lot worse.

While depression is certainly closely associated with suicidal ideation sometimes friends and family make the mistake of taking their eye of a loved one because they seem to be getting better and coming out of a depressive episode. What can be happening is that the person is now energised not because they are more hopeful about life but because they have come up with the determination to stop the pain by taking their life. In our example, while depressing, the debilitating suffering is actually protecting this young man from taking this action.

The situation could also be a lot worse in another sense. We now know that many men in particular don’t have a behaviour toolkit like this. It seems that many don’t learn the useful behaviour of depressing when they are boys. They learn tantruming when they are little like most kids, but they also learn angering, they learn violenting… It’s not the place here to explore this in detail but it is pretty clear that there are a few things going wrong in how we raise our kids and especially boys. Many boys (more so than girls but not exclusively) are still taught, or are given the impression by their available role models, that to be angry and violent is the way you deal with painful emotions and being upset, to withdraw and think and be emotional is weak. If more boys could learn how to depress I suspect our society and families would be safer and better off.

So in this way we can see a not-so-bad purpose in depressing. But let’s just say this goes on for a fair bit longer. Our young man stays home. He contacts his boss and asks for a few days off which he is, quite justifiably, granted. He drags himself out of bed to get to his GP who gives him a certificate granting him a few days off and he puts the word “depression” on it. He now tells people his doctor has told him he has Depression. A couple of his mates bring some takeaway food round for him. On another occasion a sibling who is a good cook, comes over and whips up a nice meal that cheers him up, a little. Another mate notices the grass is looking pretty ragged so actually gets the lawnmower out and makes the place look a bit more respectable. All nice things….

From here, maybe our young man, with support of friends and maybe even a Counsellor or mentor, is able to gradually recover and set out in life again with a new sense of direction having learned a bit about himself and relationships in the process. That would be nice but it doesn’t always go that way.

Let’s say that instead, a couple of weeks later his lawn mowing mate gets a phone call and our young man tells him that he is still feeling terrible and can barely get out to go to work and… the lawns are looking a bit bad again… He rings up his sibling to say how much he enjoyed that last meal and suggests that perhaps he could come over and make it again… and maybe clean the kitchen and vacuum the house at the same time…

I can’t see his friends keeping this up for long. There is the danger that depressing is becoming a pattern of behaviour where the initial purpose is being taken over by another one. Where his depressing is morphing into victiming and he is now actually exerting a bit of control over others and feeling stronger because of this. Not all depressing moves in this way… but it can and everyone I know will admit to doing this in a very small way at least or of feeling a bit resentful when a good friend, ‘who is going through a hard time’, leans on them a bit too much or a little too often.

Another path the initial depressing can take is when our young man goes back to work only to find he is about to be retrenched, then a few weeks later he learns his mother has cancer, then he sees his ex-girlfriend and she’s now wearing an engagement ring… The emotionally painful events, which he can’t control, start compounding. Maybe he also has a genetic predisposition to depression as it runs in the family. Maybe he makes a couple of social gaffs and loses a friend. It all compounds and spirals.

These can move someone further along from ‘depressing’ as a painful but purposeful behaviour into an overwhelming sense of despair and a build up of emotions that can be processed but… it’s very hard and would probably take a while. Depressing becomes a highly organised, reinforced and strong behaviour in his toolkit as the neural pathways get thicker and stronger in his brain. Whenever anything bad happens now, including things that are not as serious, depressing has become his default, go-to behaviour. At this point, at some very hard to pinpoint stage, it becomes Depression with a capital D. Whether you want to call it a mental illness or a disorder or something else doesn’t matter a lot, it is tough, very tough. The situation now needs more than just a couple of mates coming round to give a bit of emotional support. I’m not saying it definitely needs medication but medication might at least help with the symptoms and help him start moving and get his mind in a place where he can start considering what he can do to change his thinking and then his actions and also his feelings to get out of it all. He probably needs more than one kind of support: friends and family, a GP, a psychologist, a therapist. Probably a combination of these will be needed but he is also going to need to work hard himself to feel better, then get better and then stay better.

If you need to talk about any of these issues for yourself, a friend or a family member, please call, text or email me at Bunyip Blue Gum Consulting.